Dear Dad: Letting Go

Dear Dad:

We are in New Jersey at Grandma’s house for the first time since you passed away. It’s really weird to bring my son to the house where you grew up. I love watching Caleb interact with Grandma (we call her GiGi now); they are best buds and attached at the hip.

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I cried for awhile the first night. I just miss you so much. Keith sent me the lyrics to the song “You Can Let Go” by Crystal Shawanda and it was just all too much. Mostly, I’m overwhelmed with sorrow. Mom and I are doing the Beth Moore study on the book of James and we have been so encouraged/challenged to allow God to turn our grief (or, more appropriately, anguish) into joy.

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever! (Psalm 30:11-12)

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Whenever I am washing out Caleb’s bottles, I would see the pictures of you and Grampa above the sink. It is so hard not knowing what Grampa and Caleb would have thought of each other. Your brothers were here this morning and I couldn’t help but think how you should be here too so they could make fun of you for being a Grandpa and you could show them how it’s done.

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The world is not the same without you, Dad, but I am learning to let go of what I had hoped it would be. The last time we spoke, you told me how much you loved me and how brave I was to handle motherhood in the same stride as saying goodbye to you. I don’t feel very brave, but I’m trying.

Love you always.

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 [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VaTDvBo_zI]

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3 Comments

  1. Joanne McCoy on January 27, 2013 at 4:19 pm

    Thanks, Bex, for taking the time to sort through life and death. This is a tough month all around – yet the exciting thing is that the conversations I’ve had with people are more about heaven and the awesomeness of God’s love and world…From Narni – “farther up and further in” – keep running!

  2. Darla on August 6, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    Becky, I just read your letter to your dad. What a beautiful and heartfelt message. I lost my dad last year, (some days if feels as if it were only yesterday) and I wanted to say that I am so thankful that I have God in my life. Not only did I lose my dad last June, my mom passed away this past March. If not for God’s love, the sacrifice of Jesus, and having the Holy Spirit with me, I don’t know how I would have made it through. I am so thankful and blessed knowing that I can trust in God’s promises and one day I will see my parents in heaven. May God’s words and blessings be with you always! Darla

    • Becky M on August 6, 2013 at 2:41 pm

      Thanks Darla! There are so many people grieving in so many different ways. Writing helps me a lot (I’ve got probably 2 dozen letters to dad written now) and it seems to help others work through their own grief as well. I hope you can be encouraged.

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