Dear Dad: Letting Go
We are in New Jersey at Grandma’s house for the first time since you passed away. It’s really weird to bring my son to the house where you grew up. I love watching Caleb interact with Grandma (we call her GiGi now); they are best buds and attached at the hip.
I cried for awhile the first night. I just miss you so much. Keith sent me the lyrics to the song “You Can Let Go” by Crystal Shawanda and it was just all too much. Mostly, I’m overwhelmed with sorrow. Mom and I are doing the Beth Moore study on the book of James and we have been so encouraged/challenged to allow God to turn our grief (or, more appropriately, anguish) into joy.
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever! (Psalm 30:11-12)
Whenever I am washing out Caleb’s bottles, I would see the pictures of you and Grampa above the sink. It is so hard not knowing what Grampa and Caleb would have thought of each other. Your brothers were here this morning and I couldn’t help but think how you should be here too so they could make fun of you for being a Grandpa and you could show them how it’s done.
The world is not the same without you, Dad, but I am learning to let go of what I had hoped it would be. The last time we spoke, you told me how much you loved me and how brave I was to handle motherhood in the same stride as saying goodbye to you. I don’t feel very brave, but I’m trying.
Love you always.