I’m a Fallen Heroine

I always thought of myself as a strong person – someone who could handle anything without crumbling. When I read Patsy Clairmont’s quote this morning I had to laugh at how much life has changed.

I realized how tart I become when inconvenienced. It doesn’t take much of a breeze to topple me. I want to believe that, if called upon to be a heroine, I would rise to the occasion. But experience has proven me feeble.” Patsy Clairmont

You may know some of my history: I have anxiety, I’ve struggled with anger, and I’ve experienced more than my share of sorrow (here and here). I have learned to be honest and transparent and God has shown me how much I have learned to trust him; I didn’t realize how quickly my new “skills” would be tested.

When my parents and Molly came to visit at the end of June, my dad had a small cough that had been lingering for a couple weeks. By the time I got out to the East Coast a week later, his cough was persistent and he went to see the doctor. That gentle voice in the back of my head started preparing me for the news.

Dad’s CT scan showed a 13cm mass on his kidney as well as spots on his lungs and liver.

Really, God?! This again?!

I’ve lost three grandparents, many more extended family members, and plenty of family friends to cancer. My husband is a cancer survivor. It seems to be my hallmark. But my dad???!

The irony is that my dad broke the news on our anniversary – only hours after my mother-in-law had prayed and wished that this would be a year of calm and peace in our lives. Not so much.

It’s taken me 12 days to even figure out what I’m thinking or feeling. Honestly, I’m okay.

Of course I’m angry that this is even reality. It’s not fair. It sucks.

But I feel a lot of peace.

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

My mother-in-law sent me Lysa TerKerust’s post Please Don’t Give Me A Christian Answer and I couldn’t agree more.

Please don’t tell me to “be strong” or that “everything happens for a reason.” I’m not strong and I don’t want to know the reason.

For now, I am holding tight to Exodus 14:14 and praying for peace, wisdom, and Dad’s healing.

The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.

If you are interested in following Dad’s progress, feel free to following his CaringBridge page: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mikeg

He has had a consultation with a local oncologist as well as Dr Chang, a prominent kidney surgeon at Dana Farber. At this point we are waiting for Dr Chang’s office to schedule a surgery within the next two weeks to remove the mass. We won’t even think about further treatment until pathology results come back from the surgery.

Pray that God would continue to direct the doctors in having wisdom treating Dad as well as wisdom for us in handling the massive amount of information. We have been blessed with quickly scheduled appointments and an outpouring of love from friends and family who are doing such a wonderful job in caring for us.

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  1. Betty marr on July 24, 2012 at 11:44 am

    My prayers will be with you

    • Susan Bever on July 24, 2012 at 2:31 pm

      Praying for all of you everyday; that you get all the help and love and healing you need and more…
      and then there are some prayers that have no words…
      Cousin Susan

  2. Mary Newman on July 24, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    I read that blog post too and loved that perspective. Will def be praying for your dad.

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