Momma’s Sorry

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Today has been a rough day for the little monkey and his momma.

We woke up and had a pretty routine morning: feeding, snuggles, baby massage, reading a book (he’s a huge Eric Carle fan), and nap time. When he fell asleep, I headed downstairs to eat breakfast, work on some projects, and wrap some presents. Periodically I would mute the TV to listen for him waking up, but almost three hours later he still hadn’t made a peep.

I ventured into check on him and his eyes were almost swollen shut; he must have been crying for an hour or so since he face never gets like that. He looked terrified.

Epic. Mom. Fail.

It took me hours to finally console him and get his face back to normal (it was weird, he looked like a totally different kid). Then we all went to take naps. I put him in his swing and as I started to walk away his gaze followed me with a look that clearly meant, “Um, you’d better not be leaving me here alone. Remember what happened this morning?!” I distracted him with the mobile and ran away. Thank goodness for Grandma’s who let Mommas sleep!

Then I forgot to check on him and he was an hour late feeding. He chugged almost 5oz and then screamed (his universal sign for I wasn’t finished).

Strike two. Seriously, how could I be doing this to the kid.

I know I will never be a “perfect” parent. I’m not even kidding myself that I’ll probably do or say many things that will lead him to counseling. Ha. It just makes me so sad to see him so upset and know that it was my fault.

While holding Caleb close, I promise him over and over that I love him. I tell him that I’m sorry. And somehow that sweet little boy still loves and trusts me.

I can’t help but think about when I cry out to God and am terrified of my own circumstances. I am so scared of grieving; I want to avoid the pain. I am nervous about where the Air Force will send us next and know that I have so very little control (if I could I would convince the Air Force to open a base in South Eastern, CT). But I know better than to think God has forgotten about me.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deuteronomy 31:8)

God has always taken care of me. He continues to remind me, just like I remind Caleb, that he loves me and will always be there for me. The difference is he is a perfect “parent” and will never make the mistakes I am bound to make with Caleb. So, in this scary time of pain and uncertainty, I am holding on to the promise that he hears my cries.

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3 Comments

  1. Sarah DeLeo on December 21, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    Something someone said to me that I will never forget is “you are not a perfect parent, but you are THE perfect parent for YOUR children. Otherwise God would not have given them to you.” On days like you had, I repeat that to myself…along with the thought that I am glad I am not perfect, otherwise there would be nothing to turn them to God. Hang in there momma. You are doing a GREAT job 🙂

  2. Susan Bever on December 21, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    You never have to be a perfect parent; just be there and be loving.
    That is always enough…
    besides; if parents were always perfect; our kids would not have space to grow and mature.
    Rest well mom and baby! I am praying for your next assignment to be close to family.

  3. Joanne McCoy on December 23, 2012 at 6:57 am

    Great post…It was a miracle to know someone was willing to love me and spend His life with me, even when he began to have to live with the ugly warts. Then it was a miracle to be loved by a child and trusted, even when I didn’t deserve it. By three kids – WOW!

    You’ve got it right – learning about your Father God and His parenting as you raise your child. It is only by God’s grace that we raise kids…and He knows us and knows our kids and knows why He matched us up the way He did. I had to accept that as I realized I hurt my kids without even knowing it, just because I’m a sinner. So humbling. Such a great love…Love you, Joanne

    The other parent’s in today – YEAH!

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