Today has been a rough day for the little monkey and his momma.
We woke up and had a pretty routine morning: feeding, snuggles, baby massage, reading a book (he’s a huge Eric Carle fan), and nap time. When he fell asleep, I headed downstairs to eat breakfast, work on some projects, and wrap some presents. Periodically I would mute the TV to listen for him waking up, but almost three hours later he still hadn’t made a peep.
I ventured into check on him and his eyes were almost swollen shut; he must have been crying for an hour or so since he face never gets like that. He looked terrified.
Epic. Mom. Fail.
It took me hours to finally console him and get his face back to normal (it was weird, he looked like a totally different kid). Then we all went to take naps. I put him in his swing and as I started to walk away his gaze followed me with a look that clearly meant, “Um, you’d better not be leaving me here alone. Remember what happened this morning?!” I distracted him with the mobile and ran away. Thank goodness for Grandma’s who let Mommas sleep!
Then I forgot to check on him and he was an hour late feeding. He chugged almost 5oz and then screamed (his universal sign for I wasn’t finished).
Strike two. Seriously, how could I be doing this to the kid.
I know I will never be a “perfect” parent. I’m not even kidding myself that I’ll probably do or say many things that will lead him to counseling. Ha. It just makes me so sad to see him so upset and know that it was my fault.
While holding Caleb close, I promise him over and over that I love him. I tell him that I’m sorry. And somehow that sweet little boy still loves and trusts me.
I can’t help but think about when I cry out to God and am terrified of my own circumstances. I am so scared of grieving; I want to avoid the pain. I am nervous about where the Air Force will send us next and know that I have so very little control (if I could I would convince the Air Force to open a base in South Eastern, CT). But I know better than to think God has forgotten about me.
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deuteronomy 31:8)
God has always taken care of me. He continues to remind me, just like I remind Caleb, that he loves me and will always be there for me. The difference is he is a perfect “parent” and will never make the mistakes I am bound to make with Caleb. So, in this scary time of pain and uncertainty, I am holding on to the promise that he hears my cries.