The Trouble With Grief
My mom snuck this picture some time this evening. You can’t even begin to guess how exhausted I am. Even my glasses are tired. I’ve been laying in this recliner (it’s the most comfortable one on earth) with a warm and sleepy baby on my chest and I just can’t manage to get to sleep.
That’s the trouble with grief. It sneaks up on you and leaves you demolished.
Last night mom and I went to a friend’s Christmas party. Honestly, we stayed as far in a corner as we could and didn’t talk to many people. Today we were at My sister’s volleyball banquet and really only spoke with the coach since the majority of the time was spent watching the presentations. But grief is like a ninja and takes you out when you least expect it.
Mom has been reading a lot about grief and so much of it is subconscious. My brain and body is grieving and processing when I’m not aware of it. No wonder I’m exhausted.
Of course, part of it is being the mom of an infant. I can’t even call him a newborn anymore; he has grown over 2 inches since birth and has feet that just barely fit into 3 month clothes. But he sleeps 6 hours at night and I have no trouble sleeping when he naps.
I’m tired because life has changed in such a huge way that I can’t adjust fast enough. I don’t even think it would be good to adjust any faster. Grief is that long (seemingly unending) process of getting used to a new kind of living – one without a person that was, literally, crucial to my existence.
So when you ask how I’m doing and I say, “Great. Really!”, I mean it. I’m doing great, all things considered. But that doesn’t mean I’m done grieving. I’ll be grieving for a long time. Just like every one who is grieving, I have good days and sad days (I can’t say bad days, since my anxiety has been manageable). Some days I’m angry. Mostly, I’m tired.
I promise to be candid about my grief experience. Thank you for all your heartfelt emails, cards, and phone calls. As I am finally starting to have words again, I will respond to each of you soon.
My mom has recently started blogging about her grief as well. You can follow her journey over at Grief and Hope. She’ll also be posting updates on the project to help bring sustainable clean water to Haiti.