This IS My Life (Grief & Motherhood)

Ever have those moments when you think you can’t wait til your life gets back to normal? Lately I’ve been dreaming of the days when I’m not coercing a toddler, when I don’t miss dad so much, when I actually wake up feeling rested, when the fridge isn’t empty, when the laundry basket isn’t full, or when I can sit down at the end of the day without blocks, books, and other miscellaneous kid items away.

Days like today are longer than afternoon shadows and I find myself longing for a life that is simultaneously simpler and more exciting. I think of what could have been if I’d made different choices; who would I be if I weren’t a suburban stay at home mom who pursues her creative passions and academic interests part time.

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And then I have to remind myself that this is my life. I do have to wrangle a precocious little boy, my dad is gone, I will be exhausted for years to come, raising children means the fridge will perpetually be emptied, there will always be laundry, and the toys strewn about the living room means there is playing and learning happening regularly.

This is my life. I am living my life.

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When I let that reality set in, I find peace and joy in my circumstances.

I have a little boy who makes me laugh.

I have 26 full years of memories with a dad who taught me more than I realized at the time.

Tired days mean that they are full of wonderful things.

An empty fridge means healthy bodies.

Dirty clothes mean we are moving and getting dirty (literally and figuratively).

This is my beautiful, messy, unpredictable, joyful, irreplaceable life. Never again will I let the long shadows of hard days make me wish away the precious moments.
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